My Fight For Light – Behind The Social Facade

“The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
‘Cause here they come”
Florence & The Machine 

This will have to be one of the most significant posts I’ve ever written, and I write it in hopes that it may help others but most importantly help me heal.
The past two months have been dark and left me emotionally exhausted and drained , there have been days when I haven’t left the house and have shut off from the outside world. Looking back now there were three significant moments that layer upon layer begun to take my joy and bring a dark cloud over me.
The first was the emotional upheaval in a friendship that left me questioning my worth and left me feeling alone and unloved. After that came the death of a close family friend that shook me and my faith to the core, and two weeks after that I got the news of the passing of an old friend that I’d lost touch with, and I felt even more unsure and insignificant. Those dark clouds got bigger and everything seemed to get harder, dealing with stressful situations was a no go and as much as possible I found myself avoiding events and or going out. I still had to post and write stories as much as I could, and I have some amazing friends that helped me with this.
I have always considered myself strong and happy, in control of my emotions and able to compartmentalise my feelings and emotions but for once I was lost. I remember clearly when Things begun to unravel, it was the Monday after my birthday weekend, the happy face and strong facade I had worn all weekend tore away in the middle of spin class as I begun to cry. Since then I’ve found myself constantly crying, and this lack of emotional control has being exhausting. I’d be in the shower and being to cry, walking to the shops, on a bus or even just watching an advert on tv, it’s like someone’s opened the flood gates and it won’t stop flowing.
Dealing with things in my work life became difficult, my phone wasn’t working and this became a blessing in disguise. I cut myself off from a lot of work interaction, how do I explain to clients or brands I’m not up to it or it’s too dark right now. How can they understand that my heart and soul needs me more then you do at this moment.
There were three things that kept popping up and I’ve had to deal with each feeling separately  – Feeling Unwanted , Unworthy & Unsure –  I had to remind myself that I know I’m not unwanted thanks to my amazing family and friends who without knowing have just being there for me, I am Worthy of being loved, worthy of success and worthy of joy and finally I’ve had to realise it’s ok to be Unsure sometimes, it’s part of the journey.
I’ve come to the realisation that it isn’t easy to put into words or to describe what I’m feeling, or even to figure out what it is exactly I’ve been going through and you know what that’s ok. How do you go from always happy and positive to not answering people calls because it’s too hard? I’ve always being a great believer in things happening for a reason but for once I’m not sure why I’m going through this situation, I can only hope in time the reason will show itself.
My constant over these two months has been exercise and specifically Spin class, its being part of the healing process, and for this I thank Tom Sproats and the team at Scenic Cycle for their amazing support. It’s kept me pushing forward and allowed me an outlet for this heaviness, given me a purpose and allowed me to but for a moment feel invigorated.
Id like to leave you with what has become my motto – “There’s always sunshine after rain”.
Please don’t be afraid to share what you’re going through, no man is an island and we all need each other. If like me you have found it hard to put into words what you’re going through, then there are some amazing charities out there who offer fantastic support, you are not alone and it’s not weak to admit you’re going through a tough time, it actually takes strength to share what you’re experiencing.
It’s ok not to be perfect, life is about learning and taking each moment as it comes, one step at a time.
Arrnott Olssen